Archive for February 27, 2015

Fearless Loving: Red Flags

I have been witness recently of an “incident” where a woman publicly put her husband down.  The poor guy just did not say a word and he moved to another part of the room.  The way he reacted made it clear that this was not the first time it happened.  This was all the more surprising because I had assumed that this long married pair were happy.

This incident got me thinking about some red flags in relationships.  They could be happening during the dating phase or in the examples I witnessed,  after many years married.  And unfortunately, I was able to come up with a number of them, mostly witnessed, over the past 15 years or so.  And surprisingly, it was always the women doing the put down, in public.  I know that verbal abuse happens to women, maybe it happens more behind closed doors.

1)  Verbal put-down about inability of the partner to buy expensive gifts or other luxuries.

2    Shutting the spouse with the equivalent of “shut the f… up”, I’m talking.  Anyone who yells at you or treats with less than respect is abusive

3) Making negative comments about the appearance, weight of the partner

4) Rolling the eyes when someone congratulates the partner

5) Criticizing the ideas, the friends of the spouse, the way the partner is, talks, moves, eats, thinks

6) Consistently ignoring the partner in conversation

7) Making jokes that make the partner feel bad

One telltale sign of the effect of emotional, verbal abuse is sadness which masquerades as fatigue.  If you regularly try to appease your partner, if you do more hoping your partner will appreciate you,  if you have essentially given up and your confidence  and self-esteem have plummeted, take care of yourself.  Find help or find the exit.  Chronic stress brought about by abuse makes you prone to more illness and premature death.

If you can recognize yourself in the above and if you are ready to dig deep for your truth, assert yourself, have more energy and explore the reasons you are giving your power away, and you are ready to invest in yourself, you can  call me at 613-744-1538- tell me your name, your phone number, what you want to achieve,  what’s not working for you right now and a little bit about your life.  I will communicate with you and we’ll set up a one hour coaching conversation to give you some value and to see if we are a good fit.  No selling or hidden strings.  I work with a very small number of clients at any one time and only with people who are a resounding “YES, I want to work with you.”

Marguerite Tennier, M.A.,

Transformational Coaching for Women over 40

http://www.canadas-coach.com

http://www.eftottawa.com

 

Fearless Loving: Don’t settle

You have probably read somewhere, at some point that you cannot be loved until you love yourself.  And then you look around and see your friends or other strangers who are “paired up”, married even and you wonder what you are doing wrong, because, after all, if you are not paired up, it must mean that there is something wrong with you, that you do not yet love yourself enough.

On the other hand, are you, like me, someone who settled for something, for someone in a relationship?  Not that you knew at that time that you were settling but you were not totally happy.  You could not be yourself.  Or there was a tension, not enough spontaneous loving.  Like walking on eggs.

I remember a long term relationship that I should have ended much sooner.  I remember “putting a smile” on just before opening the door.  I don’t remember being relaxed and just so happy.

Thank God, it got so bad that I did end the “arrangement”.  I say arrangement because a real happy relationship should not feel like it did.

Unfortunately, it almost takes a lot of unhappiness before we get it that this is not “It”.  After, often years, and for some decades, we finally get it that it has to be better than what we have accepted.  And that day is often the day that you love yourself enough.  Enough to say “Enough of not good enough”.

Are you at a point where you want to find out how to be Fearless in Love.  How to learn to recognize and practice loving yourself to avoid spending years waiting, wishing and hoping that thing will change between you?

Then, call now 613-744-1538 to schedule a coaching call to help you clarify if Fearless Loving coaching is right for you.

Marguerite Tennier, M.A.

Helping women to Live, Love and be Successful Fearlessly

 

 

Choosing more wisely when it comes to love

– Some mornings things get sticky.  This morning is one of those.  Somehow did not “save” my post and it disappeared in cyber space.  Maybe the fact it’s -28C outside has something to do with it.

This post is about something I have read often: nobody can love you until you love yourself.  And if like me you look around and see people paired up, married even, you wonder, “why not me? what’s wrong?  What we often forget are the times we were paired up, married even and totally miserable.  Is that what love is supposed to be, to feel like?

My parents’ s marriage was not a great success.  They did not fight but from where I am standing now, I realize that they were not truly happy.  Like many of that generation, they just made the best of what was.

I remember being in one long-term relationship, for much too long,  and “putting a smile on” before opening the door.  Feeling like I was walking on eggshells even.  Not daring to be spontaneous.  Not being myself when there were people around.  Oh! I did not know then that I was settling.  It’s difficult to look for something you don’t know exists, or you think does not exist or “could feel like”.

It finally dawned on me that this “good enough” was not enough.  I do remember some events that triggered my waking up.  Wanting to talk about how I felt, realizing I was more myself with other people in my life than with my then-partner.   Those so-so relationships are the worst to leave sometimes because there is no abuse, nothing we can put a finger on, nothing concrete.  It just leaves us with an empty feeling and we often feel that maybe we are asking too much, we are too demanding.  Too high standards.

If you have had a string of those relationships and you want to increase your chances to choose better in the future, call me at 613-744-1538 during business hours.  We will schedule a free call to help you gain clarity and decide if coaching with me is right for you.

Marguerite Tennier, M.A.

http://www.canadas-coach.com

http://www.eftottawa.com

Daring Greatly: risking being vulnerable to live fully

I just started reading Dr. Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly and it brought me to times in my life where I was aware of either not daring, being in fear, or on the contrary, daring, taking risks or noticing others who were risking enormous vulnerability.  The one instance that comes to my mind happened during a course I was attending in Chicago, as part of my Master’s program.  Can’t remember the title of the course, but early maybe the first day, we had an exercise to do:  walk around the room, all of us students, and simply look at each other’s face, no word to be exchanged – after that part of the exercise, we were to share something personal with one person.  Again, I can’t remember what I shared but the man who was my partner first shared something personal that I can’t remember.  And then he stopped laughing and said there was something else, and he shared having become sober after an episode where he found himself drunk and having suffered very deep shame for something that happened during his drunken episode.  Although this class happened more than 20 years ago, I can still feel the respect I had for him for sharing something so deep and personal with me. I was so touched that I can still see him in my mind.

Daring Greatly defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure and talks about one big topic of Fearless Living and how we spin on our Wheel of Fear every time we fear, and believe we are not good enough.  Not pretty enough, not rich enough, not intelligent enough or any other enough you may think about yourself.  Dr. Brown makes the link between shame (fear) and our difficulty to risk being vulnerable.  No place is more blatant than in romantic relationships.  Everybody has heard about the teenager who, afraid to be rejected by the popular kid never risks being rejected, one of the most painful emotions, especially if one already feels not good enough.

Fear’s job is to keep us safe,  away from vulnerability.  Safe not only physically but especially emotionally and that’s where Fear causes the most damage.   Fear does not recognize stuck.   If you have been bullied before, your reptilian brain remembers because that’s where fear lives.   If you have a history of abandonment, it will make you afraid to initiate or join with others. Fear will show up as justifications why you don’t want to go out tonight, or take a chance on love, or try that new job.  It will give you all kind of evidence why.  You will find all kinds of excuses why your life is the way it is.  Your work, your upbringing, the economy, the city you live in, your partner, your boss, your landlord, the weather, your weight, maybe your height and the color of your eyes.  Anything to keep you from taking a risk.  Fear is very good at it’s job and unless you learn to uncover it, it will keep on running your life.

This being said, when was the last time you risked being vulnerable?  Vulnerable feels really scary, so it’s easy to remember.  Being vulnerable also makes you unforgettable – which explains why I remember the gentleman in the story above.  Vulnerability can show up in many ways, not just in love.  It can be about doing something for the first time, taking a business risk, not agreeing with the group, asking for something, telling the truth, saying no, standing up for yourself, apologizing and many, many other ways.

If you feel Fear is so present in your life that you won’t allow yourself to be vulnerable, and you are serious about making changes, call me at 613-744-1538 during regular business hours so we can have a 45 minutes free conversation to help you move forward and help you decide if coaching is for you.

 

Marguerite Tennier, M.A.,

Passionate Living: Live, Love and Succeed Fearlessly

 

 

 

Change the way you date and relate, Fearless Loving

— Some mornings things get sticky.  This morning is one of those.  Somehow did not “save” my post and it disappeared in cyber space.  Maybe the fact it’s -28C outside has something to do with it.

This post is about something I have read often: nobody can love you until you love yourself.  And if like me you look around and see people paired up, married even, you wonder, “why not me? what’s wrong?  What we often forget are the times we were paired up, married even and totally miserable.  Is that what love is supposed to be, to feel like?

My parents’ s marriage was not a great success.  They did not fight but from where I am standing now, I realize that they were not truly happy.  Like many of that generation, they just made the best of what was.

I remember being in one long-term relationship, for much too long,  and “putting a smile on” before opening the door.  Feeling like I was walking on eggshells even.  Not daring to be spontaneous.  Not being myself when there were people around.  Oh! I did not know then that I was settling.  It’s difficult to look for something you don’t know exists, or you think does not exist or “could feel like”.

It finally dawned on me that this “good enough” was not enough.  I do remember some events that triggered my waking up.  Wanting to talk about how I felt, realizing I was more myself with other people in my life than with my then-partner.   Those so-so relationships are the worst to leave sometimes because there is no abuse, nothing we can put a finger on, nothing concrete.  It just leaves us with an empty feeling and we often feel that maybe we are asking too much, we are too demanding.  Too high standards.

If you have had a string of those relationships and you want to increase your chances to choose better in the future, call me at 613-744-1538 during business hours.  We will schedule a free call to help you gain clarity and decide if coaching with me is right for you.

Marguerite Tennier, M.A.

http://www.canadas-coach.com

http://www.eftottawa.com

 

Is it OK to have expectations in your primary relationship? Fearless Loving

Valentine’s Day is in less than a week and you may have expectations about how you want your sweetheart to celebrate with you.

It is perfectly OK to have expectations in relationship and it’s absolutely not OK.  Complicated?  Let me explain.  When we start a relationship and when we are in one, we definitely want something from our chosen someone.  Yes, you are also in that relationship because you want to give to your loved one.  You want to do things for them, make special food, prepare surprises, and make them happy but you want mutuality.  You want to be treated well, you want to share your resources, you want sex, you want time and affection and to be treated  with kindness and respect, as well as a host of other “wants”.

Where things get sticky is when we want things but we never talk about what we want.  We “expect” the other to know and to deliver.  For example one may want sex 5 times a week but never broaches the subject.  One may expect the other to dress better, or to be more affectionate, or to let them party with their friends like when they were single, or that their needs will always have priority.  You laugh but when you listen to what couples fight about and divorce about, trust me, there are a lot of unreasonable expectations out there.

There is a very easy way to avoid all the drama caused by those expectations.  The first step is to become aware that we have them.  One way to find out is to ask whether we use the word “should” about what we want.  The second step is to talk to our sweetheart about what we want.  What is truly important and see how they react.  If you know, like I do, that to talk about how much time you feel is optimum to spend together every week – the research says 15 hours is optimum quality time for couples – that’s quality time – not just being in the same room, you need to bring up the subject with your partner, ideally before you move in together or say “I do”.   I have seen couples be miserable because one of them was not willing to give a lot of time to togetherness, leaving the other partner really out in the cold.  Most of the time people don’t talk about those subjects because they don’t actually talk about much that is truly intimate.  Some are afraid to rock the boat and they wait, wish and hope for things to change after they move in or after the marriage.

Like I have said before every time we wait, wish and hope, it’s a sign of Fear.  We avoid talking about something in the crazy hope that things will change magically.  They avoid talking about real stuff for fear the partner will bail out.   Once married, couples also very often avoid having the difficult conversations.  The conversations where they will express their needs for more time, closeness or sex.  They avoid showing their vulnerability.  Because to have needs makes us vulnerable.  But to not express your needs makes you miserable.  Risking vulnerability may get you what you want.  Or it may give you the courage to move on if you realize you are with someone who does not care enough to take your needs in consideration.

The Fearless Loving program can help you become a bolder person and show you how to change the way you approach love relationships.  It can show you that you are good enough so that you show up more confidently in your romantic relationship.

If you are determined to change your life, call me to schedule a complimentary phone session to help you clarify what changes you want to bring to your life.

Marguerite Tennier, M.A.

Fearless Living, Fearless Loving, Fearless Success

Coaching for professional women 40+

http://www.canadas-coach.com

http://www.eftottawa.com