Is it OK to have expectations in your primary relationship? Fearless Loving

Valentine’s Day is in less than a week and you may have expectations about how you want your sweetheart to celebrate with you.

It is perfectly OK to have expectations in relationship and it’s absolutely not OK.  Complicated?  Let me explain.  When we start a relationship and when we are in one, we definitely want something from our chosen someone.  Yes, you are also in that relationship because you want to give to your loved one.  You want to do things for them, make special food, prepare surprises, and make them happy but you want mutuality.  You want to be treated well, you want to share your resources, you want sex, you want time and affection and to be treated  with kindness and respect, as well as a host of other “wants”.

Where things get sticky is when we want things but we never talk about what we want.  We “expect” the other to know and to deliver.  For example one may want sex 5 times a week but never broaches the subject.  One may expect the other to dress better, or to be more affectionate, or to let them party with their friends like when they were single, or that their needs will always have priority.  You laugh but when you listen to what couples fight about and divorce about, trust me, there are a lot of unreasonable expectations out there.

There is a very easy way to avoid all the drama caused by those expectations.  The first step is to become aware that we have them.  One way to find out is to ask whether we use the word “should” about what we want.  The second step is to talk to our sweetheart about what we want.  What is truly important and see how they react.  If you know, like I do, that to talk about how much time you feel is optimum to spend together every week – the research says 15 hours is optimum quality time for couples – that’s quality time – not just being in the same room, you need to bring up the subject with your partner, ideally before you move in together or say “I do”.   I have seen couples be miserable because one of them was not willing to give a lot of time to togetherness, leaving the other partner really out in the cold.  Most of the time people don’t talk about those subjects because they don’t actually talk about much that is truly intimate.  Some are afraid to rock the boat and they wait, wish and hope for things to change after they move in or after the marriage.

Like I have said before every time we wait, wish and hope, it’s a sign of Fear.  We avoid talking about something in the crazy hope that things will change magically.  They avoid talking about real stuff for fear the partner will bail out.   Once married, couples also very often avoid having the difficult conversations.  The conversations where they will express their needs for more time, closeness or sex.  They avoid showing their vulnerability.  Because to have needs makes us vulnerable.  But to not express your needs makes you miserable.  Risking vulnerability may get you what you want.  Or it may give you the courage to move on if you realize you are with someone who does not care enough to take your needs in consideration.

The Fearless Loving program can help you become a bolder person and show you how to change the way you approach love relationships.  It can show you that you are good enough so that you show up more confidently in your romantic relationship.

If you are determined to change your life, call me to schedule a complimentary phone session to help you clarify what changes you want to bring to your life.

Marguerite Tennier, M.A.

Fearless Living, Fearless Loving, Fearless Success

Coaching for professional women 40+


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