Archive for March 31, 2015

Happiness

How is your life going today?  How contented do you feel?   How much to you resist what is?  While friction turns a grain of sand into a pearl, the constant friction of resisting what is makes for a pretty painful life.

Did you ever hear the “what you resist persists”?  What I am referring to here may be somehow linked to it, but where I have experienced the most pain in my life has been when I have fought reality.  Sounds funny to say it like that.  For most people where this has been the worst, is in personal relationships.  Mostly love relationships.  Girl loves boy – boy loves girl.  Boy stops loving girl. Or girl stops loving boy.  Boy or girl resists reality and suffers.

What I have finally come to see is that when I resist what is, I am living in La La Land.  Fantasy world.  Imagining that reality is not reality.

Have you ever done that?  What this tendency indicates is simply that we need to grow up.  To see reality as it is.  To see that no it would not be “happy ever after”.  No you would not experience real happiness with someone who does not want to be with you.  No you can’t change someone.  They may change, but it’s not certain.  It may never happen.  And if you become more mature, grown up, you will not waste your time waiting for someone to decide if they like you or love you.  The Italians have a quote ” Meglio sola che male accompagnata”, or better alone than with the wrong person.

What are you resisting in your life?  Have you become a people pleaser in the hope that you will be liked or loved?  Have you made it your life mission to prove that you are lovable?  That happiness is not for you?  Stop. Look around you.  I am certain you know people who are less than perfect and are adored by their partner.  Or who don’t have to give gifts to their friends to be liked.

If you are ready to become more self-confident, mature and self-loving, but you are not too sure how to go  about it, work with a coach.  Call me at 613-744-1538 during regular weekday business hours (Eastern Time) and we will schedule a time to discuss how you can change your life and have more happiness.

 

Sleep = health, energy and beauty

I just could not resist one more post on sleep and how essential it is to respect your need for it.  I just read another article on the importance of enough sleep for health. I personally know that lack of sleep is bad for my health, but I can see how it shows in my face, even after just one too-short night.  Imagine what it does when we are chronically sleep deprived! Lack of sleep will also make you more hungry, but by being up for longer you will also add a snack, thus more calories. An all-over losing proposition – except for the weight gain.

There are some basic ways you can determine if you have enough sleep.  The first one, is you are not tired during the day.  You don’t doze off, you don’t feel you need another coffee, you don’t dream of your bed.  The other way is you wake up before the alarm clock and you feel rested.  You don’t use the snooze button, or just stay in bed as long as you can.  Aussitôt réveillé, aussitôt levé.

If you want to live for another while yet, to keep your physical health and mental health (very difficult to deal with stress when tired) and if you don’t want to look years older than you are, learn to prioritize sleep.

The best time to do it is to start now – on a Friday evening – instead of thinking “oh, I don’t have to wake up early tomorrow, I’ll stay up to watch the late night movie”, get yourself to bed at the same time (or earlier) than you do on weekdays.  See how your weekend goes with more energy.

If you are ready to put your self-care in high priority but you are not too sure how to go  about it, work with a coach.  Call me at 613-744-1538 during regular weekday business hours (Eastern Time) and we will schedule a time to discuss how you can reach your goal of taking better care of yourself.

 

Marguerite Tennier, M.A.

Confidence: Fearless Living

Could be that fear is about something else…

Fear is part of life.  At birth babies are afraid of falling and of loud noises.  From then, we add to the list.  What are you afraid of?  You have probably heard that a large percentage of us are more afraid of public speaking than we are of death.  How can that be?

If we look at it, fear of public speaking has to do with fear of making a fool of ourselves.  Of being laughed at,  being found to be incompetent, or stupid.  Death can be scary too but unless we are terminally ill or facing the wrong end of a rifle, we usually avoid thinking about it.

Do you have other fears?  Fears that make you avoid having the life you crave?  Fear of making a mistake?  Fear of having someone think you are selfish, or stupid or incompetent, or unlovable.  So you avoid taking risks for fear of being found out.?

Those fears show up in various ways.  For someone it’s avoiding saying no to friends or family for fear of being thought of as selfish.  Or not contributing in meetings at work for fear of saying something wrong.  Or avoiding a conversation in a social setting.  Or not being yourself in a dating situation.  Fear whether we are a coach or not shows up when we come close to the boundaries of our comfort (stuck) zone.

And we can grow more confidence once we identify what is our Wheel of Fear.  That one fear that makes us spin our wheel without getting anywhere

I support my clients through the fears they want to confront.  What happens is they re-invent their life.  They feel better about themselves and they show up differently in the world.  They also have more energy and more authentic satisfying relationships.

Are you ready to go for what you truly want?  Do you want more confidence?  If so, call during regular business hours (Eastern time) 613-744-1538 or use the contact form.  We can then schedule a session to determine how I can best help you transform your life.

Marguerite Tennier

More energy, more joy, less stress

through Fearless Living

 

 

So tired? The relationships connection

Like we saw in previous posts, if you sleep enough, eat well, exercise and generally have a healthy lifestyle (and you have had a good medical checkup), and are still tired, it’s most likely emotional energy that’s lacking.

Have you ever  looked at kids playing?  They are like the Energizer Bunny.  Full of energy, they barely stop from one activity to another.  This is so obvious when I look at my 3 year old grandchildren.  We wonder where they get it all.  Then if there is a little bit of a struggle between them, you see their mood change.  Sometimes one will retreat and appear really upset.  The energy is gone.  Sometimes not for long, but gone.

Well we adults are a little like the children:  when everything goes well and we are having fun with our friends or partners, we have all the energy in the world.  Remember how easy it was to get up early to leave on a trip or the energy we have when we meet someone we really click with, or better fall in love with.  Less need for sleep or even food.  We float.  As Mira Kirshenbaum says “love gives energy a good push.” The difference with little kids though is that when things are not working so well in our relationships, most of us, unless we have practiced living mindfully,  do not easily recognize that the lack of energy is really the result of chronically feeling unappreciated, or respected or no longer feeling the connection with a loved one. Because it’s not love that gives energy, it’s good love. “Bad love, bad relationships produce emotional exhaustion.” M. Kirshenbaum

So many of us, me included, have put up with bad love.  Because we were needy, or because we had invested so much or we did not know any better, or were scared or any other reason.  Many figure that something is better than nothing and in the love department, it’s the worse thing to believe.  If you constantly feel tired and exhausted and you kind’a think that maybe, just maybe you are not so happy with your life partner – in fact you know that you are so much happier when he or she is not around – well, just maybe you need to face the fact that you are in a bad relationship.

Just like you would not put up with bad food or a bad job, do what you can to fix it and if it does not improve,  move on.  Because bad love by being an energy leak is actually very bad for your health.  It produces chronic stress which elevate your cortisol and other harmful hormones, which in turn will leave you more prone to illness and an earlier death (the research says it will cut 4 years off your life).  Your life partner cannot give you everything, but should be responsive to your core emotional needs because it’s what differentiates a true relationship from a convenient one or from a friendship.  You know the famous “money won’t keep you warm at night” quote?  This is what it was referring to.

If you can recognize yourself in the above and if you are ready to have better relationships and have more energy and are ready to invest in yourself, you can  call me at 613-744-1538- tell me your name, your phone number, what you want to achieve,  what’s not working for you right now and a little bit about your life.  I will communicate with you and we’ll set up a one hour coaching conversation to give you some value and to see if we are a good fit.  No selling or hidden strings.  I work with a very small number of clients at any one time and only with people who are a resounding “YES, I want to work with you.”

 

Incredulity, or denial of what is

I had a funny experience last Sunday.  I wanted to get some Christmas gifts at Lee Valley Tools.  So after my Tai Chi practice, I drove across town to their store.  I did not think I was particularly wise to go shopping on a Sunday afternoon, a few weeks before Christmas,  but decided to do it anyway.

When I got there, the parking lot was… empty.  I was incredulous.  The store could not be closed on a Sunday in December.  Maybe it opened at 1 p.m.???  The temperature was frigid, around -20C.  Not believing the store could actually be closed on Sundays, I walked to the front door to see the sign: Closed on Sundays, which brought the thought “Ican’t believe this!”

This was without much consequences.  But it brought me to times in my life when I was incredulous.  In actual denial that what I was seeing simply could not be happening.  Mostly it happened in or around close relationships and around health matters too.  It can actually be around what one feels. It’s usually about not wanting to accept reality and it can wreck havoc on your life.  It usually involves trying to convince yourself that your perception is off, that things will get better, that he or she will change (a favorite) and a few other delusional self-talk.

And that kind of thinking will sap your energy. It amounts to pushing against a wall and telling yourself that’s it’s a door and it will eventually open.  You can push all you want, it’s a wall and no, won’t open.  You are essentially wasting a lot of energy that no amount of sleep will replace.

If you can recognize yourself in the above and if you are ready to dig deep for your truth and have more energy and are ready to invest in yourself, you can  call me at 613-744-1538- tell me your name, your phone number, what you want to achieve,  what’s not working for you right now and a little bit about your life.  I will communicate with you and we’ll set up a one hour coaching conversation to give you some value and to see if we are a good fit.  No selling or hidden strings.  I work with a very small number of clients at any one time and only with people who are a resounding “YES, I want to work with you.”

Marguerite Tennier, M.A.,

Transformational Coaching for Women over 40

 

This has appeared in my previous blog on blogger.com