How was your Summer?

How was your Summer?  WOW!  Mine went so fast.  I have taken the whole Summer off.  Lots of swimming at the lake, hiking, time with family and plenty of reading.  I feel wonderful and ready to tackle new projects and work with new clients.

Did you take time off this Summer?  I know it is so important to let the body and the mind recharge periodically, yet I hear that many professionals take no or less than a week’s vacation.

Vacation time, like sleep, is not a luxury.  Our bodies and our brains are not machines.  They work better and last longer when they are given time off during which some people enjoy doing nothing other than doing beach time and swimming, while others prefer to explore new activities, new venues or new passions.

If you are not roaring to go, there is still time to plan a week or more off  before we get into the colder days of Fall.  Do whatever is in your power to get time off, find a sitter for the kids or the pets and take yourself out of town or out of the country.  If money is tight, do a “stay-cation”, in town but out of the house and preferably in nature.  Go hiking, go for a picnic by the lake, and do it at least 3 days in a row.  Find a small town or village nearby and have dinner on the terrace to catch the last warm days of Summer.  Turn your phone off while you hike or go far enough so there is no reception.

I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.

 

Marguerite

I work with professionals who want to make changes.  If you are ready to take better care of yourself, show up more confidently and authentically, call me for a free exploration session.

If you are ready to take better care of yourself or develop more confidence and you want  support  call me during regular weekday business hours, at 613-744-1538, for a discovery session (free) to help you decide if you are ready to invest in a coaching relationship to change your life.

 

 

 

Make busyness so OUT

I don’t remember when Busyness became so “In”.  Not that I have not been busy in my life.  From being a working mom of two young children to a single mom when they were both under 10, to adding university classes, both under-grad and a graduate degree, I remember being tired a lot, especially when I combined out of town classes with parenting and part-time work.  Yes being very tired.  And I remember that I survived those sometimes weeks, months and even years by making choices.  I had to make choices.  I am lucky in a way because I need my sleep.  So choosing to not go out on Friday night(s) and to go to bed instead was a no-brainer.  Choosing to not socialize much outside of what was needed for work and school became how I managed to keep my sanity and my health.

Now I hear you say “well, I can’t do that” or any other excuse why you don’t see how you can stop being busy.  I beg to differ.  Unless you are a single mom with two jobs – and even there, you can let the housekeeping go.  There are always ways to clear your schedule to take time to just breathe, or sleep.  Imagine if you had a car accident and were bedridden for a month after a close call with death, or you learned you only have a year to live.  What baggage would you throw overboard?  Which social obligations would you drop?  Which friendships would you keep?  Would you devote so much time to work?  To housekeeping?  Would you keep over-scheduling your kids’ extra-curricular activities or choose to hang out and just play with them more often?  Would you spend so much time on Facebook reading about other people’s lives?  Would you  stay up so late to watch movies or choose more sleep so you could have more energy for life and for your loved ones?

While I did not get into a car accident nor did I learn I had only one year to live, I learned about 10 years ago that I was living with the proverbial sword over my head.  I belong to the pool of people who have everything it takes to develop Multiple Myeloma, a pretty much fatal and ugly cancer of the bone marrow.  This puts things in perspective.  At least it did for me.  I went from a full time job to a 4 then 3 then 0 day work week, choosing to live more frugally to have more time for life, for me, my family and the people I choose to keep in my life.  More time to hike, swim, be outside, read, dance, love and just be.  And sleep enough.

What will it take for you to make a change, to follow your bliss, to practice more extreme self-care, to purge everything from your life that’s not an absolute Yes.  You don’t need to wait to be hit by a brick over the head.  Do it now.  Let go of something that’s stealing precious minutes from your life.  Stop before accepting any invitation and reflect: Is this something I really want to do?  Is this someone I really enjoy?  Ask “if this was my last evening on earth, would I choose this?”  The more you make your choices conscious, the easier it gets. The easier it gets, the easier, smoother life gets.

One last tip:  highlight in green your day planner (electronic or not) what are your favorite activities and people.  Now highlight in an ugly color (your choice) what you do out of misplaced obligations – those dreaded, life-sucking ones.  There is your answer.

Your Wheel of Fear

Some of the most important thing to remember whenever you stick your neck out there is that first, you can fall flat on your face and get either your pride or your feelings hurt.  This is true for all creative projects, whether it’s writing a book or a blog, , creating a painting or a piece of music, or being an actor or comedian.  Not everyone will love what we do (I dabble in painting). And don’t worry.  Your Wheel of Fear will make certain to warn you against taking risks.

The same applies to times when you stick your neck out in your personal life.  Trying to reconnect with a friend after a misunderstanding or make new friends or saying “I love you” first when you really like someone,  or not daring  to talk to the great looking guy. Taking chances is not always going to work and some of the people you love or were trying to befriend may laugh at you or talk behind your back.  That’s life.

The other thing to remember about taking risks, is that if you don’t ask for what you want,or if you don’t take a chance writing that book or creating that painting, or showing someone you truly love that you do, well, there is a worse risk to never get what you want, to never do what you love or have who you love.

It’s so easy when we get rejected or made to feel foolish or worse,  to get on our Wheel of Fear and spin.  Either just make ourselves miserable and stressed out or do  things like shopping therapy, or binge eating or any other behavior that is done to try avoiding how we feel, behaviors which end up making us feel even more miserable (and broke, or fat, or taking bad risks with our health or our life) or to vow to never take chances to be hurt again.

Fear’s job is to keep you safe.  However, fear sees a bruise to our pride or our feelings at the same level it would want to make us react if there was a boa constrictor or a lion in the room.  Fear wants to keep us safe, but safety often leads to boredom and worse, lack of growth and ultimately necrosis (death). Not necessarily physical death but emotional and spiritual death.

Are you feeling a lot of numbness inside, feeling bored to death, feeling like you have not tried anything new in such a long time you don’t even remember.  Always taking the same way home, the same restaurants, the same (old boring) friends.  Then you may be suffering from too much spinning on your Wheel of Fear.  And there is a solution.

If you recognize yourself in the above and are ready to take more chances, to feel more alive, call for a free coaching call to help you decide if coaching is right for you at this time.

Call 613-744-1538 during regular weekdays business hours (Eastern time).  We will set up a time, about 45 minutes, to schedule our call.

Your coach,

Marguerite

 

 

 

Nobody likes “perfect”: the mask of perfection

I don’t know about you, but I can assure you that I have never loved anyone who was perfect.  I am not telling you this to put anyone down.  I am saying it, both to you and myself, so that I remember to stop expecting myself to be perfect. So that I stop worrying that I am not good enough.  Not competent enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough.  Not nice enough.

I also remember instances of being in a relationship or interacting with people who either thought they were perfect or tried very hard to appear so, through their house, makeup, car, clothes, etc. that screamed “perfect” and the impossibility to actually connect deeply with them because the mask of perfection stood in the way.  Human interaction without connection, especially in romantic relationships is not only not soul nourishing, it’s actually toxic and can make us emotionally and physically sick.  In other interactions, it’s just not worth it.

Real human beings make mistakes, we have misbehaving hair, children, temper, messy houses, we cry, we talk too loud, we have love handles, wrinkles, we overcook the meal, we make choices we regret. Whatever.

Trying to be perfect is the result of not believing we are good enough. So we strive to be superhuman, aka Perfect.  Believing we are not good enough we assume that if others do not respond to our friendship, love, giving, it’s because there is something fundamentally wrong with us. So we try harder, we don’t ask for what we want,  not realizing that the right people will love us just as we are and those who don’t, do not belong with us.

When you start working on dropping the Mask of Perfection,  it’s often a challenge to understand what “do your best” means, because to someone who thinks she has to be perfect, this means no room for being human. It means try until you drop.  The best advice I can give is what would you expect of someone you really love, an adult child for example or your best friend, in the same situation.  Would you give him or her some slack?  What would you consider to be “you did your best”?  Then apply this to your situation.  Give yourself some slack.  Don’t wait until you have it down perfect or you are certain of the outcome.  Risk making mistakes.  It’s O.K.  Few mistakes are life threatening.  You will survive and surprise,  you may even thrive.  Trust me, the more mistakes I make and survive, the more confidently I can take risks and know that whatever happens will not kill me.

If you are ready to drop the Perfection Trap and want more support to stop struggling, call me during regular weekday business hours, at 613-744-1538, for a discovery session (free) to help you decide if you are ready to invest in a coaching relationship to change your life.

Have a good day

Marguerite

 

 

 

 

Stop struggling: Trust your Diary

Are you struggling with a decision right now?  One week you think you should stay, the next you just want out – of the job, the friendship, the relationship.  And it’s been going on for a while now?

I have a fairly quick, simple method to help you decide.  Start a diary about this particular situation.  For a whole month, take a few minutes every day to document what has happened and how you feel, really feel deep down.  If you are unhappy, sad, fed up, disgusted write it down, and give examples of why you feel so.  The same way, if you are happy, write down why, with examples.

After a month, get yourself to a quiet place where you can review your entries of the month without being interrupted.  Read everything you have written.  Highlight in green everything that you saw as good and positive.  Highlight in red or another color everything that you saw as bad, negative or downright ugly about that situation.

Putting reality on paper prevents elective memory – that is usually just remembering the good and excusing either bad behaviour or forgetting how your needs are not met.  If you are really honest during your daily writings, this should give you a pretty good idea of the reality and help you make your decision.

Want to go one step further, share your writing with a trusted friend for support and accountability.

If you are ready to make difficult decisions in your life and want more support to stop struggling, call me during regular weekday business hours, at 613-744-1538, for a discovery session (free) to help you decide if you are ready to invest in a coaching relationship to change your life.

Have a great day

Marguerite

 

EFT

EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) is a gem of a tool and it can be put to work in any area of your life could use a little pick-me-up?   Let me guess. Is it the place where you feel least comfortable saying no? No to the boss who expects you to stay late without warning, no to the friend or family member who surely does not expect you to say no to a request. Or is it saying no to that too-big-too-sweet dessert? One way to make it easier to say no is to remember that doing so means you are saying yes to you, to what you need and want for yourself – more time, to be healthier, rest, fun – yes, it’s ok to want more fun in your life.

Choose the area where it’s most difficult for you to say no and, you guessed it, do a few rounds of EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) tapping. Do it a few times a day before you are faced with the yes or no decision. For example “Even though I find it difficult to say no to _____, I totally and completely love, accept and forgive myself.” The more you will tap in advance, the easier it will be when the occasion happens to say no to the friend, the boss or the piece of cake.  It can also be saying yes to receiving, whether it is love or a piece of cake.
The higher your self-esteem, the more you can say yes to what is good for you.
Marguerite Tennier, M.A.
A shorter version of this article has appeared in one of my previous blogs.

Happiness

How is your life going today?  How contented do you feel?   How much to you resist what is?  While friction turns a grain of sand into a pearl, the constant friction of resisting what is makes for a pretty painful life.

Did you ever hear the “what you resist persists”?  What I am referring to here may be somehow linked to it, but where I have experienced the most pain in my life has been when I have fought reality.  Sounds funny to say it like that.  For most people where this has been the worst, is in personal relationships.  Mostly love relationships.  Girl loves boy – boy loves girl.  Boy stops loving girl. Or girl stops loving boy.  Boy or girl resists reality and suffers.

What I have finally come to see is that when I resist what is, I am living in La La Land.  Fantasy world.  Imagining that reality is not reality.

Have you ever done that?  What this tendency indicates is simply that we need to grow up.  To see reality as it is.  To see that no it would not be “happy ever after”.  No you would not experience real happiness with someone who does not want to be with you.  No you can’t change someone.  They may change, but it’s not certain.  It may never happen.  And if you become more mature, grown up, you will not waste your time waiting for someone to decide if they like you or love you.  The Italians have a quote ” Meglio sola che male accompagnata”, or better alone than with the wrong person.

What are you resisting in your life?  Have you become a people pleaser in the hope that you will be liked or loved?  Have you made it your life mission to prove that you are lovable?  That happiness is not for you?  Stop. Look around you.  I am certain you know people who are less than perfect and are adored by their partner.  Or who don’t have to give gifts to their friends to be liked.

If you are ready to become more self-confident, mature and self-loving, but you are not too sure how to go  about it, work with a coach.  Call me at 613-744-1538 during regular weekday business hours (Eastern Time) and we will schedule a time to discuss how you can change your life and have more happiness.

 

Sleep = health, energy and beauty

I just could not resist one more post on sleep and how essential it is to respect your need for it.  I just read another article on the importance of enough sleep for health. I personally know that lack of sleep is bad for my health, but I can see how it shows in my face, even after just one too-short night.  Imagine what it does when we are chronically sleep deprived! Lack of sleep will also make you more hungry, but by being up for longer you will also add a snack, thus more calories. An all-over losing proposition – except for the weight gain.

There are some basic ways you can determine if you have enough sleep.  The first one, is you are not tired during the day.  You don’t doze off, you don’t feel you need another coffee, you don’t dream of your bed.  The other way is you wake up before the alarm clock and you feel rested.  You don’t use the snooze button, or just stay in bed as long as you can.  Aussitôt réveillé, aussitôt levé.

If you want to live for another while yet, to keep your physical health and mental health (very difficult to deal with stress when tired) and if you don’t want to look years older than you are, learn to prioritize sleep.

The best time to do it is to start now – on a Friday evening – instead of thinking “oh, I don’t have to wake up early tomorrow, I’ll stay up to watch the late night movie”, get yourself to bed at the same time (or earlier) than you do on weekdays.  See how your weekend goes with more energy.

If you are ready to put your self-care in high priority but you are not too sure how to go  about it, work with a coach.  Call me at 613-744-1538 during regular weekday business hours (Eastern Time) and we will schedule a time to discuss how you can reach your goal of taking better care of yourself.

 

Marguerite Tennier, M.A.

Confidence: Fearless Living

Could be that fear is about something else…

Fear is part of life.  At birth babies are afraid of falling and of loud noises.  From then, we add to the list.  What are you afraid of?  You have probably heard that a large percentage of us are more afraid of public speaking than we are of death.  How can that be?

If we look at it, fear of public speaking has to do with fear of making a fool of ourselves.  Of being laughed at,  being found to be incompetent, or stupid.  Death can be scary too but unless we are terminally ill or facing the wrong end of a rifle, we usually avoid thinking about it.

Do you have other fears?  Fears that make you avoid having the life you crave?  Fear of making a mistake?  Fear of having someone think you are selfish, or stupid or incompetent, or unlovable.  So you avoid taking risks for fear of being found out.?

Those fears show up in various ways.  For someone it’s avoiding saying no to friends or family for fear of being thought of as selfish.  Or not contributing in meetings at work for fear of saying something wrong.  Or avoiding a conversation in a social setting.  Or not being yourself in a dating situation.  Fear whether we are a coach or not shows up when we come close to the boundaries of our comfort (stuck) zone.

And we can grow more confidence once we identify what is our Wheel of Fear.  That one fear that makes us spin our wheel without getting anywhere

I support my clients through the fears they want to confront.  What happens is they re-invent their life.  They feel better about themselves and they show up differently in the world.  They also have more energy and more authentic satisfying relationships.

Are you ready to go for what you truly want?  Do you want more confidence?  If so, call during regular business hours (Eastern time) 613-744-1538 or use the contact form.  We can then schedule a session to determine how I can best help you transform your life.

Marguerite Tennier

More energy, more joy, less stress

through Fearless Living

 

 

« Older Entries